controlthepaste

Sun, 16 Dec 2007 06:56:02 GMT

its easy to get knocked down a peg when it's kicked out from underneath you.

my roommate got dumped. or at least i assume when she didn't say, "i dumped him"

anyway, im feeling better. we're expecting some massive snow storm tonight. every time the temp drops below freezing my car wont start. i'm sure you can tell how awesome that is.

i also get to drive in said disaster tomorrow to go to work. wooo....hoooo...

tonight i got two of the best voice mails ever, and two beta fish, they're fancy though. i have to name them...

i want two names that go together, but they're both male, so i cant call them fred and ginger...

i was thinking charlie and linus...but i wanted something a little deeper than that.

make suggestions.

gahhhhhhh!

Sat, 15 Dec 2007 06:00:06 GMT

right now i'm just fucking pissed...

the morning was fucking stellar though. it's payday, got a package in the mail from my momma, got to sleep in, got to get lunch at my favorite little sandwich joint, ran into one of my favorite people ever. everything was awesome, i was in an awesome mood.

then i went to fucking work...

i swear to fucking god, people are just fucking assholes. every single person today just wanted to shit in my cheerios...and it just continually got worse...now i'm home and my roommate left this dumb fucking note on the mirror (which is our main way of communication)...that read, "don't leave all the lights on." i leave one light on when i'm coming home at this hour so i don't have to walk into a dark fucking house...fucking prick.

anyway, she's in MA for a couple nights (which she can't afford, and i know she'll bitch about finances later, but) i'm glad she's not here..i just want to sit here in my undies and watch some horrible fucking tv...

anyway, half my day blew, and half of it didnt...

now i have to sleep so i can go back to it again tomorrow.

Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:10:32 GMT

so my roomie went and stayed with her sister a couple of nights, and mark stayed over...our crazy landlord and the crazy landlord's lackies are always around, and with eric not living next door anymore, i do get nervous...

i wont save face, and will just tell you that i just adore him...i really do. i told him about all the crazy shit that my landlord and his lackies do...he actually asked if i wanted him to stay the nights my roomie wouldn't be home...

he's a good guy. he gets me. he gets my virgo personality, the good and bad points...

and every time i look at him, i cant help but think, "god, don't let me fuck this up"

he's the schroeder to my lucy... except he digs me...

the times they are a changing....

Thu, 06 Dec 2007 18:57:39 GMT

ah bob, how right you are....

so i'm working again, just another shit retail part time job. i decided i wanted to start playing my guitar again, and so i called up some of my old music buddies, and got a few random gigs at coffee shops...i also found out my old highschool buddy bryan is in some band now that's on mtv...i don't watch mtv, so this is news to me...i'm happy for him though, he was always a good kid.

anyway, my friend mark came over yesterday, my roommate was staying over at her sister's house...prime opportunity for some quality time. he's helping me write some songs, so i'm fairly excited that i've got a new music buddy. i think we might be a duo rather than me being a solo act...woohoo.

i think i want to make ravioli, damnit giada de laurentis!

good times.

fuck.

Sun, 11 Nov 2007 06:51:37 GMT

fuuuuuuuck.

i just want to punch my roommate in the face soooooooooooooooooooo hard right now...sooooo hard. it's fucking wicked late, all i want to do is sleep...but she's got her newest fucking victim...oooh wait, sorry, love interest in her room being the fucking cool kid she thinks she is....and being wicked fuckng loud... then she has the fucking nerve to come out here like everything fucking fine, and when i shoot her that, you're being a fucking dumb shit look at her, she gets offended...like i don't fucking live here. just fuck him and get it over with....i mean seriously now, just fucking do it. sure we'll think less of you becuase you're a fucking whore and you're giving up everything you believe in just because you're lonely...whatever....i'm so fucking tired. i cant deal with this shit...i cant deal with her, she's a fucking monster to live with. she's a slob and she just doesnt give a shit that i'm a non smoker... that's the least of my problems right now...i need to get the ruck out of here though it's driving me mad. she's a horrible fucking roommate, she has no fucking consideration for anyone but herself and god dont get me started on her fucking financial situation...i have never seen anyone who is worse with their fucking money, ever. she overdrew her account 8 times in one week, then was surprised with she got overdraft fees up the ass, then went crying to the bank cause she can't manage her money and blames the bank for letting her overdraw her account...it doesnt matter its 1 cent or 1 million dollars...overdraft is an overdraft. i'm just pissed off...

i need to get out of here...i need to find better roommates...

i seriously want some vicodin right now.

and one unrelated note:

Mon, 29 Oct 2007 03:00:25 GMT

i find it rather ironic that during the world series, the rockies are waving white flags...

because, what does it mean when you wave a white flag?

it means you surrender.

irony is a beautiful thing.

booooo

Mon, 29 Oct 2007 02:55:35 GMT

let me tell you a little story about getting ovaries removed.

nothing quite like going to mass general...

i've spent quite a bit of time there, it's like a 4th or 5th home.

now when life throws me lemons, i'll slice 'em up and stick them in a drink with a lot of booze.

so when life gave me cancer, i made ovary jokes.

actually they were more like jokes about me not needing ovaries because i'm a ninja and being able to babies out of thin air and out of sweat shops...also that now i could have lots of meaningless condomless sex wtih only worries of std's....yeah, i'm classy...mind you i was kidding.

anyway, that's not the point. the surgery went well, and i am well.

living situation....

Tue, 23 Oct 2007 05:43:05 GMT

my living situation fucking blows.

primarily because my roommate is a lazy, filthy, slob, who smokes....

my least favorite smell is stale cigarette smoke.

that smell is in all of my clothes, in my bed, in the furniture, in the carpet, everywhere...

besides that, she and her friends smoke so much combined that the entire fuckng living room is filled from ceiling to floor, with smoke...and it lingers...so much that it takes the ceiling fan roughly an hour (no lie) to circulate the smoke out...

i've voiced my utter distain and disapproval of this happening...but it still does...

and i'm fucking tired, and pissed, and tired of having to hose down the apartment with the "clorox fresh care heavy duty fabric refresher" specifically made to get out pet and smoke odors...it's my survival tactic...

amazing.

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 04:15:12 GMT

:)

red sox are going to the series.

it wasnt close, we fucking crushed them 11 - 2!!!!!!!!

im so excited.

meh.

Thu, 18 Oct 2007 05:48:56 GMT

so i've officially moved into the new place...

stealing internet...

watching the learning channel...

the damn fan makes a whurring noise...

it's a hole...but it's my hole.

surgery is scheduled for the end of october.

oh for fuck's sake...

Sun, 14 Oct 2007 08:03:21 GMT

Virgo's Compatability- Cancer,virgo, Gemini, Taurus, Capricorn

Possible Compatabilty- Sagittarius, Leo, Aquarius, Pisces

Opposite Compatability- Aries, Libra, Scorpio

odd...

my mother: scorpio
my father, alicia, bri, jason, nikki, florida chris, tiffanee: libra
my sister, chris: aries
my brother, tony, eric: aquarius
erin: virgo

in an odd way, it makes sense that this is how it would be...

hm..

Thu, 11 Oct 2007 16:43:24 GMT

Cash matters are looking good, but even better is your sense of style, so use the positive planetary influences to branch out a little: jazz up your look with some chic accessories, or choose an outfit in a color that you wouldn’t normally consider. Think outside the box, today!

that's my horoscope for today. i have a job interview at 2! I've felt good about this job since I applied. I'm going to make this happen.

Anyway, surgery is in about 3 weeks from now. it'll be a bilateral oophorectomy, aka removal of both ovaries. so kiss those baby makers goodbye! yes, i have to have a sense of humor about it, otherwise i might just freak out...oh well. at least my doctor told me that the cancer hasn't spread. so it's surgery then a couple cycles of chemo after, and cancer in remission!

i feel good about this. I really do.

and now freebird is on the radio...

Tue, 09 Oct 2007 08:27:47 GMT

balls.

so looks like im going in for surgery...

i hate hospitals.

the truth.

Sun, 07 Oct 2007 07:02:42 GMT

i get along with just about everyone. if i dont like you, it's for one of the following reasons:

1. You're a whore, or act like a whore.
2. You've hurt one of my friends
3. You lack any real substance.
4. You act like a complete cunt.
5. You walk in like you own the place.
6. You can't back up the shit you say, you talk a lot of shit
7. You have no self respect, or respect for others
8. You lack any real intelligence
9. You lack morals
10. You act like you're better than anyone or everyone.
11. You're not real, just being a bubbly dipshit so people will like you.

other than that, we'll probably get along. a lot of that's slightly repetitive...but it's the truth.

bastard...

Sun, 07 Oct 2007 02:13:58 GMT

so i decided to go out and buy guitar hero for my ps2. i'm sick, i'm unemployed, and all my friends are in maine. of course they plan to go the one time during the week i have chemo...Fresh air and the mountains or needles...Of course I opt for needles, but not just your every day needle, but a needle that will pump cancer cell killing crap into my system...awesome.

anyway, i got a wireless controller for guitar hero...did it connect? of course not. tomorrow i have to go back to best buy...(next to getting chemo treatments) having to return something is one of my least favorite things to do...honestly it's like...come on, it's simple straight forward, it should work, why should i have to go out of my way to return it just to get that accusational stare from the person behind the counter who thinks i'm a completely incompetent imbecile, who asks me if i turned it on, if i followed the directions...yes, asshole, i've mastered the simple task of flipping a switch, and hell i'm sure if i could take it apart and put it back together and have it work i would, but could i do that? no, i cant...cause then we couldn't have this rendezvous where you piss me off and i throw in subtle snide remarks, which you have to take gracefully considering i'm the customer...but i keep them to a minimum because in the long run it is you with the upper hand...but anyway, i hate returning things.

but i did find a new place to live. i move outta here in a couple weeks. and i'm excited cause i'll have a roommate.

mo' bettah

fashion sense...

Fri, 05 Oct 2007 17:48:28 GMT

While I appreciated growing up in the 80's, I will til this day hate the fashion of the 80's. I'll love when this phase, too, goes. burn all your spandex and neon in a glorious chemical blaze that will deplete the ozone...rejoice while wearing the always in style jeans and a tshirt, neither of which are "skinny". Enjoy relaxed fit. i hate big buttons and turtlenecks, start a new trend, or at least steal one from an era who didn't think that hypercolor tshirts, shoulder pads, and jelly shoes were the way to go. the linebacker look is not the new black.

anyway, i feel like ass, and now i need to go find a new job.

fuck.

Thu, 27 Sep 2007 16:06:48 GMT

the short versions:

i lost my job.

i lost my apartment.

its a weird feeling having all your dreams crushed all at the same time.

no job, no home, no kids, no hope.

there won't be a long version, so don't ask.

i need to learn how to sleep.

Sun, 23 Sep 2007 10:43:19 GMT

i haven't been at work in quite a few days. I miss it. I miss my classroom and more importantly my kids. Even when I fall asleep, I still wake up at the same time I would usually for work...

i looked up people in my past...most were people i went to highschool with, some were music friends, others were guys i went on a couple of dates with...I don't look 25...everyone i went to highschool with, they do...they look mature, if that makes any sense....an old friend, scott apparently got drunk while he was in college, fell off his roof, and had a traumatic brain injury and recovered and is now a motivational speaker. a lot of other people are now parents. which i also think is weird. A few people however, have died...kevin was always a douchebag, he got drunk one night, decided to play chicken with a car, and lost...the surprise wasn't all that big, then there was sean. he was perscribed some drugs to help him stop smoking, an anti-depressant, there wasnt anything pinpointing whether the death was suicide or a reaction to suddenly stopping the drug...it was vague...but sad none the less....there were a couple others, car accidents....life's short...they were all younger than me...

then i looked up some old music friends....one turned into a complete whore....he was when i knew him, but now it's escalated...he just doesn't care anymore...just as long as they're pretty...he never had high standards....

there was one friend in particular that i do occasionally think about. he was someone i knew quite a while ago, years...he was a friend of a friend, and we went out a few times. the first time we talked on the phone, it was for hours. we talked about everything...when we met for the first time, (we talked on the phone first, then met,) we went to mcdonalds...yes, i've been taken out on a mcdonalds date where i paid for my own food. he was cute though. the kind of guy you can't help but just want to love. he had too much baggage though...he was a marine, his mother was dying, a lot of things....we ended on really odd terms...but he just has horrible luck...and more than anything i just wanted to be his friend...now from what i've read...he's just a hermit...which makes me really sad...

Sometimes i think I care wayyyyyy to much about everyone...Like now for example. I can't wait to visit florida during the holidays. Just be at the pub, drink some durty hos, see everyone, shamelessly hit on whomever i feel like. :) .go to the ray for some fish and chips, hell maybe hit on nick and matt if they're around, get shitfaced off shots from a bar that i wont remember the name of. outlook most likely. drive by splash and give all those assholes the finger...enjoy myself.

feeling poetic...

Sat, 22 Sep 2007 06:44:20 GMT

no one wears a watch.

back when we were younger, we were infinite
so drink your gasoline, to mimic that time
when a first spark of love, made the butterflies explode

love only breaks hearts

i've been trying to be positive...i really have. today they upped the chemo dose, and i've had 4 day binges that didn't make me throw up as much. my body aches and my hands and feet are swollen...balls.

oh well.

ah new york.

Fri, 21 Sep 2007 06:22:47 GMT

oh the horrible air quality...

i do love new york city, really i do.

but my god...i cant remember the last time i woke up feeling that horrible, puffy eyes, all stuffed up, horrible...

however, it was a good time. went to a few great restaurants, including a place called Jekyll and Hydes. Awesome place, and honestly the BEST nachos i've ever had ever. Ooooh god soooo good, and best of all they had both framboise and hoegaarden...GUESS WHO HAD A DURTY HO! sorry i was excited.

we went to a few really pricy places...but it was great.

i met my sister's man, and her man's kids, all of whom were awesome.

but yeah, over all great time. went to the apple store, got to play with the new iMac, iPhone, the new iPod nano which i fully intend on buying. It's awesome.

also went to m&m world. awesome.

what wasn't so awesome? the fucking hotel room...so i had this fancy shmancy hotel in time square, on 7th and 48th...so they're doing construction...no problem, i'm on the 23rd floor, so i wont hear anything...it wasnt noise i had to worry about...it was not having water...no sink, no shower, no toilet between the hours of 10am TO 5pm..not a happy camper about that...so i got 7 complimentry bottles of norwegian bottled water. what did i do with said water? ooh I brushed my teeth and washed my face...yep. fancy.

but i took a lot of pictures of old buildings...

on a side note, i felt like cleaning today, i cleaned my room and decided to organize my dvd's and cd's, then the music on my computer (although itunes wanted to fight me, so now they're just all on the playlist), and i realized that i had over 2200 pictures of my computer, and quite a few copies...so sorting will commence tomorrow, and i still have to put my ny pictures on my computer too...i am so tired.

anyway, i'll be in florida for both thanksgiving and christmas.

meh.

Mon, 17 Sep 2007 23:07:31 GMT

so let me tell you a little story about why chemo sucks...

the obvious: it's chemo..getting pumped full of toxins, never a good time.

i feel like ass, i spend most of my time in bed unable to sleep because of the nausea and just overall body pain. then there's jason, who is a godsend right now. he's been keeping this place clean and just helping me out. it keeps his mind off of other things.

i've got so many cards on my nightstand from my kids. they always make me smile. i just want to get back to being 100 percent for them.

anyway, i feel like ass.

tomorrow i'm going to new york to visit my sister and chris. so excited.

what?

Mon, 10 Sep 2007 04:21:38 GMT

so jason's mom died of a brain aneurysm. one day she's complaining of a headache, the next she's dead.

i got a voicemail from him, yelling and crying...

nothing has instant horrifying shock effect like hearing, "i know she's dead stop fucking lying to me" being yelled at an emt...via voicemail...

i picked him up from the hospital and he's staying with me.

egad.

17 phone calls, 9 texts...

Thu, 06 Sep 2007 17:13:06 GMT

all in 5 hours.

you cant change the dumb shit that comes out of your mouth, no matter how hard you try.

Thu, 06 Sep 2007 05:33:41 GMT

so jason and i broke up. i decided to move, but not in with him...

i, personally, didnt think 3 months was long enough together to live together...that and the fact that moving in with him would add an extra 45 minutes to my commute to work. let me tell you, getting up at 5 is no picnic, waking up at 4am, even worse.

he went on a rant, telling me that i didnt put enough effort into the relationship, and when i asked him what there was i could have done, that asshole had the fucking nerve to tell me that i should have quit my second job, and worked less at my main job so i could spend more time with him...

at that point i, like i usually do when i'm so ridiculously pissed off, i make a joke.

me: what do penises, tampons, and you have in common?
jason: what?
me: you're all stuck up cunts.

then i proceeded to tell him how fucked it was and what a complete shithead he was.   he apologized and said he wanted to talk about it, i told him he could play a game of hide and go shove a splintered spoon up his urethra. i couldn't deal with that. Any man who doesnt understand how much my job means to me, how this is my dream job and it's everything i've wanted to do since i was a little girl, well, they can go fuck themselves, cause i'm not going to.

but i just feel so fucking hurt.

stares at feet

Fri, 31 Aug 2007 03:09:43 GMT

so tonight was pretty embarassing...

i went out to get some thai food with my friend jonas. i was paying.

earlier that day i had been out and for one reason or another took my wallet out of my bag.

so the bill comes, and there's no wallet in my bag.

i freak out obviously because jonas has no money, and i only have an ATM (not debit) card ... balls...

and of course the place we were at was about the size of a small bedroom, so there was no way of telling my waitress why someone up and left and i was still sitting there with an unpaid bill without the other people in the restaurant hearing...

ooh and not to mention the hot guy at the table across from us...he was hot in that nerdy eating alone but with a book sort of way...which is my favorite...mind you the entire time we were eating i was checking him out, and he was doing the same...probably because i was having an awesome boob day...that and i had a book out too...

anyway, the reason i had a book out...i had jonas go out with my atm card to get some cash...it should have taken 10 minutes max...it took roughly 20...after drinking all the water i had and had nothing to fiddle with, i pulled the book out.

but yeah...embarassing, and how does lauren deal with said embarassment? go to barnes and nobles and buy books...but of course, who does lauren have to run into? the book guy who was at the thai restaurant (who's name is Thomas.)

controlthepaste

gahhhhhhh!

the times they are a changing....

fuck.

and one unrelated note:

booooo

living situation....

amazing.

meh.

oh for fuck's sake...

hm..

the truth.

bastard...

fashion sense...

i need to learn how to sleep.

feeling poetic...

ah new york.

meh.

what?

17 phone calls, 9 texts...

*stares at feet*

stares at feet